.....in a moment of darkness.
On Friday, Gram was unresponsive all day. She was having lots of morphine and sedatives; the main goal to keep her comfortable as we waited for her time. Her little body was working so hard for each breath, but as per her wishes, she was only getting oxygen....no other help at all. When the Dr came in that morning, he said it wouldn't be long....and when he came in at 5pm he admitted that he was a little shocked she was still with us. Her heartbeat was as strong as ever.
At about 11pm there was only 4 people there at the time. Myself, an uncle and two aunts. Gram suddenly opened her eyes and looked right at me. I said "Gram? I'm here. I love you and I'm SO proud of you" She smiled at me and said "I love you too". Of course that was my breaking point. I felt bad for letting her see me in such shape.....I had always envied her strength....and there I was, an emotional wreck. Anyone who knew her, knows what I'm trying to say. She was a tiny woman, but a firecracker. VERY healthy except the last two weeks and acted anything BUT her age of 82.
After about 15 minutes, we were surprised she was still so coherent. She communicated with us for an hour and twenty minutes!! What a wonderful experience and I truly feel blessed that I was there. We asked if she was hurting and she was able to tell us no. We told her that Papa had been with her for 12 hours during the day, but had had to leave to get his meds and some sleep at the nursing home. We reassured her that at 7am, he'd be back. She asked if it was "her time" and it was so hard to tell her yes. But it was what she needed to hear and did not frighten her in the least. Knowing that it was "ok" was what she needed.
At 3am or so, I couldn't stay awake....I tried standing, walking, pacing, anything to keep me awake. I SO did not want to leave.....but suddenly I was literally sleeping on my feet....and her heartrate was as strong as ever. I decided to leave for a few hours sleep, check on the kiddos, and go back up. I regret terribly that I wasn't able to be there.....
At about 6am, she opened her eyes again and said "it's time, go get Papa" and she was gone at about 7:30. Papa was there, and truly, that's all that matters to me.
I cannot explain the peace she was able to give me while my heart was breaking....to tell me that she loved me; to tell me that she wasn't in pain; to relay the impression she was "ok" with passing......though my heart is breaking, I also have the answer to the questions that all to many people have when they lose a loved one.
Gram has ALWAYS, from my time of meeting her 6 years of age, been there for me; accepted me as her grandchild and as a person; loved me; stuck up for me (and recently for Alyssa); loved me no matter what. I will miss her and her influence on me the rest of my life. I'm so happy to have had such a wonderful grandmother and role model.
I am so grateful.
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4 comments:
Thanks for posting this Buffy. I have been thinking of you guys non-stop. You are so lucky for that time and for those words from her. I am so happy she was able to give you that.
Love you!!
Oh Buffy. I'm so sorry I didn't know this was happening to you guys. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss but what a wonderful ending she had, surrounded by those who love her. It's really awesome to hear that she was "going to get Papa", hearing that she said that makes me feel a lot better about things that have happened in my family recently too. Thanks so much for sharing that with us.
I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers.
HUGS Buffy, I am so sorry for you loss, but am happy that you were also blessed with peace.
Buffy, that's a beautiful story. I'm so glad she was able to talk to you a little bit before she passed. She sounds like a great woman.
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